This week I had the opportunity to speak at the AVE , Elmbrooks College ministry. As I was reflecting on my topic, it occured to me how raw this is for me. Here are a few portions of the message... let me know what you think....I remember feeling like my world was coming unglued. I was a Junior in College when it began happening. I began to have doubts and issues that the “answer” wouldn’t fix. You know the “answer” don’t you? It is that answer which sounds to right, so spiritual in light of any issue that faces any person any day. THE Answer... Jesus will fix everything if you trust him. This means of course that if I am not fixed, the problem is that I am not believing enough or correctly. Maybe I should pray more...
I remember getting angry when the “answer” was given... really angry... I would tell someone how I felt, and then wait to see if the “answer” came. It has many forms you know...
The cruel part of the answer is that it is supposed to be immediately effective. I was expected to quickly get better in response to the “answer.” I remember hating people I loved for trying to give me the "Answer"... and hating myself for not getting better... for not being what I knew I was supposed to be. I remember driving by oncoming traffic wondering what it would feel like to swerve into it. I remember feeling so alone at church... the one fake among the sea of faithful. The one who didn’t understand... couldn’t live right... had such real issues. I have never done drugs... I have never been drunk... I grew up in the church more of less... yet my heart was so screwed up... my life was such a fraud... my heart was so cold. I felt like I would never get better... I think I was right. I am not sure I will ever will be better. I am not sure the “Answer” will ever work for me...
Whenever I was hit with the cookie cutter example of how the "answer" could "fix" me, I was left feeling like a spiritual amputee; Like this mold that had made so many good cooky christians somehow fell misaligned on me, leaving serrated lines across my fragile faith...
...It is sorta wierd to me that Jesus, the most put together person in history has such a group of misfits and losers for friends. Think about it. The Prostitutes and tax collectors were less offensive to God than the priests. He was more at home with the sinner than he was with you and I... it is almost like he isn't about the "Answer"... He just loves people as they are...
What if the ultimate goal of being a Christian isn’t being right? What if its being full? What if the goal isnt getting fixed... But inviting him into the mess that is my life. Following him in your life... not your friends life... not your parents life... yours... maybe your bi-polar... maybe you are a compulsive liar... maybe you are an alcoholic... Maybe you are just normal screwed up. Maybe Jesus is for you ... right now... even if you do not get better. Even if I do not get better... Maybe I have to invite jesus into my life... right here... with my issues... where I am really at... and let him just be my friend in this place... even if I do not get better...
... A few years ago I went through a difficult period of ministry where there were a lot of people that didnt like me. People don’t always like me. It’s true. In fact... actually I think a lot of people don’t like me. I have always hated that about myself. I can’t remember when it started, but I remember that at some point I started walking away from nearly every human interaction feeling like I had said or done something stupid... Worse... I felt (still struggle with feeling) that making people unhappy was somehow a moral failure... I remember preaching sermons, and then feeling so ashamed that I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. I sorta just shuffled out of the church. I went to counseling... and In counseling I realized that I was probably going to have people not like me my whole life... that helped... It helped to hear someone say I might not get better... and that was ok... It is ok if I do not get better... Jesus still loves me...
... the "answer" never worked for me... and I think it actually has hurt many people many times... where as someones true concern and presence would have been a blessing... Have you ever been hit with the "answer" when you really just needed a friend... a hug... or even just someone to give you the space to be broken for a little while?
